Advice for Families of People with Addiction: What to Do and What Not to Do

Addiction is a “black hole”

Viacheslav begins by saying that both addiction and codependency require constant work on yourself: if you don’t do it, you slide back. And he offers an image well known to families who have lived with this for many years: addiction is a “black hole.” No matter how much you put into it — money, energy, years — nothing comes back. And the moment you stop, you’re the “bad one” on top of it.

At the meeting he asked participants how many years they had been living in this whirlpool. The answers: 16, 20, 25 years. “Learn from the experience of those who have been running around for twenty years — and don’t repeat their mistakes.”

Who is responsible for the consequences

The central question of the lecture: who should solve the problems the person with addiction has created? And who actually solves them? A typical scenario: a person leaves a rehab center — “Mom, there’s no work, lend me money for an apartment for three months.” Then for another three. Then “everyone shows up to group in nice cars — I feel awkward.” Then taxis, a phone on installments. All of it “for the sake of recovery.”

Viacheslav warns: “I spent a year in rehab, now you have to help me recover, or I might relapse” — that is manipulation. And family members often look for an adviser who will give them permission to do what they already want to do: give money. His conclusion: the person with addiction bears full responsibility for his actions — both while using and in recovery. Health issues are a separate matter; they are handled with specialists case by case.

Advice 1. Don’t interfere — let him take responsibility

Don’t solve an adult’s problems for him. The more consequences he faces himself, the sooner he has a chance to want to stop suffering. As long as you solve things for him, you — directly or indirectly — give him the opportunity to carry on.

Viacheslav reminds listeners of the circle of illusions in which the best years go by: first you spend years waiting for him to get treatment; when he’s in treatment, you hope he’ll get well; when he comes out, you fear he’ll relapse. “Today the movies, tomorrow something else, the day after — drugs”: small concessions are links in one chain.

Advice 2. Stop living his life

When you live the problems and worries of the person with addiction, you lose yourself as a person, stop taking care of your family, and forget your own goals and plans. It gets no easier for him or for you. Running after him, you won’t save him — but you may go under together with him.

Separation is needed whether the person is using or already sober: let him take responsibility for his decisions, and take care of yourself. If you go to groups, go for your own sake, not so that “he gets better.” Even a person in recovery needs years to grow up and learn to take responsibility for his life.

Advice 3. Don’t get into arguments

Fights and lectures lead nowhere. It is almost impossible to have a heart-to-heart with someone in active addiction: either he needs something from you, or he’s under the influence. Once you get drawn into a debate, you’ve already lost: you are emotionally involved, and he knows how to play on that.

The line of behavior you choose must be consistent: don’t give money for using, don’t pull him out of trouble he got himself into, and don’t let yourself be dragged into situations you can’t find a way out of. And if this person is dear to you — find the strength to get him treatment.

Three conclusions

First — give your loved ones back the responsibility for their actions. Second — stop living their life. Third — find a specialist who will help you take care of yourself and start living your own life: “Don’t scold, but speak carefully; don’t rescue, but don’t abandon either.” How to do this in your particular case is something only an experienced specialist can help you work out, and it is a process, not a single meeting.