Codependency Destroys from Within: How to Help a Loved One Without Losing Yourself

Codependency appears before addiction

Viacheslav opens with a point he repeats in his groups: codependency is a separate condition with its own clear algorithm, and most often it takes shape before the child's addiction does. Parents who themselves cannot cope with their emotions, anxiety and insecurity unconsciously pass this on to their children — like a relay baton they once received from their own parents.

He stresses that he is not blaming anyone: most parents are simply not aware of what is happening. And not every child in such a family will start using — but a destructive way of thinking, in his observation, is picked up by all the children in one way or another. Participants voted in the chat: most agreed with this, some did not.

Addiction and irresponsibility

Viacheslav describes addiction as an illness of emotions: the person does not know how to cope with them and looks for a way to numb them. One of its main features is irresponsibility and a constant “shifting of focus”: someone else is always to blame for any problem. In his view, this trait is laid down in childhood, when others kept solving the child's problems and “slipping in crutches.”

He then asks participants an uncomfortable question: if the child was never taught to answer for their own actions, can the parents do it themselves? Many recall that when they first learned about the drug use, they blamed friends, school, the system — anyone but themselves. Opinions in the chat were divided here, and Viacheslav calls this a sign of the distorted perception of reality typical of codependency.

The algorithm: event – interpretation – emotions – reaction – result

The main part of the meeting is a simple model by which, as Viacheslav sees it, a codependent person acts. An event happens; the person interprets it in some way; the interpretation triggers emotions; the emotions are followed by a reaction — actions; and in the end there is a result, usually a negative one. Until you start tracking this chain, nothing changes.

An example: the rehab center calls to say that the son wants to leave. The interpretation is “something has happened, he'll start using again.” The emotion is panic. The reaction is to call everyone in sight, make demands, intervene. The result is a headache and no change at all. Another typical situation: after rehab, the person breaks the agreements, the parent decides “he's definitely going to relapse,” starts calling nonstop and “setting him straight” — and ends up with quarrels, control and emotional exhaustion.

Working through participants' situations

Participants took turns bringing their own cases, and Viacheslav helped break them down using the model. One mother said that right after rehab her son brought a girlfriend home, and she immediately feared a relapse. In the discussion it turned out that her fear was less for her son than for herself — of becoming an “accomplice” to a relapse; at the same time, Viacheslav called the step itself — handing an adult son responsibility for his own life — perfectly normal.

Another mother admitted that when her daughter, who is in recovery, comes home in a bad mood, she starts fussing around her, takes her shopping or to a restaurant. The mood lifts for a day — and the daughter learns that all she has to do is pout, and someone will solve the problem for her. The way out, which the participant reached herself, is to leave her daughter alone and learn separation, no matter whether the person is in recovery or using. Another participant was upset that her son had not called her on a holiday, although in essence there was no reason for worry: the whole story was born in her interpretation.

Some cases were not about children. A sister said that her brother had stopped drinking but just lies on the couch, and this makes her angry. The advice was not to bring up the past, but to calmly divide household duties and set boundaries. A daughter whose mother misuses alcohol and lives in her apartment described a constant inner conflict: in her head she understands that she needs to act, but guilt and pity hold her back. Viacheslav showed that the result of this chain is emotional exhaustion, and advised her not to carry this alone, but to work out a plan together with a specialist and give her mother a choice — treatment or living separately.

Guilt, control and the hidden payoff

Summing up, Viacheslav returns to the driving force of codependency — guilt. The parent feels guilty for not having been able to give something, is sometimes angry and irritated, and then focuses all their attention on the child. The child becomes the center of their life, and the relationship turns into control, solving someone else's problems and constant “crutches.”

According to Viacheslav, there is a hidden payoff in this: not being left alone and not having to deal with one's own issues. That is why separation is so hard, and many people need 20–25 years to get tired and stop. He invites them to look honestly at their own actions: if years of effort, money and health have brought no result, perhaps the problem lies in the actions themselves.

Where to start

A parent's responsibility is first of all for their own recovery: to notice their own algorithm, stop getting drawn into every event, stop rescuing and controlling, let their loved one answer for their own actions, and fill their own life with activities, leisure and people. Only then, Viacheslav believes, does the person with addiction get a chance to change something. This does not happen in a day and does not mean a complete break: over time, a completely different, healthy relationship can be built.

He illustrates his point with the oxygen mask rule on an airplane: put it on yourself first, then on your child. A mother who is ready to “fall into the abyss” together with the person with addiction leaves the rest of the family without support — and that, too, is irresponsibility. When, a couple of minutes before the end of the meeting, someone asked how to push a son who is using again toward treatment, Viacheslav honestly replied that no answer could be given in that time, and advised starting with one's own life.