Tension and Anxiety in Codependency: Where They Come From and How to Break Free
An online group for families of people with addiction. Viacheslav Sviadish explains why anxiety doesn’t go away even when a loved one is in rehab, how control and rescuing become a way to calm yourself, and why the way out starts with a pause and awareness. Two participants who have been through addiction themselves share their experience.
Online meeting for families of people with addiction
Videos are in Russian. Turn on subtitles (CC) → Settings → Auto-translate → English.
Timestamps
Key points in a minute
- A codependent person’s anxiety isn’t really held up by the person with addiction: remove the “trigger” and within a couple of days it comes back.
- Its source is old, unresolved inner conflicts, often dating back to childhood; they constantly drain your strength.
- Control and rescuing are a way to quiet your own anxiety, not help for your loved one. The relief is brief, like a dose.
- The brain locks in the pattern “anxiety — action — relief” and repeats it automatically, so a family member’s behavior is just as predictable as that of the person with addiction.
- New actions make anxiety stronger at first: the brain pulls you back to the familiar, and many people go back to old ways.
- When things become calm, a codependent person becomes uneasy — they look for a threat, a “storm” that needs to be brought under control.
- The way out starts with a pause and honest questions to yourself; without separation and work on yourself, the cycle can’t be broken.
Summary
Anxiety that won’t go away
Many family members are convinced that their anxiety is held up by the person with addiction. Remove that “trigger” — send the loved one to treatment, wait for long-term recovery — and things will calm down. Viacheslav shows that this isn’t so. The loved one is in rehab, everything seems fine, yet inside there is unease: he didn’t call yesterday, what if something happened? And if he really is fine, the anxiety finds another target — for example, your own health.
It is very hard for a codependent person to relax: even on a calm morning, the background anxiety doesn’t go anywhere. According to Viacheslav, people with addiction experience the same thing: the brain works without rest, a person takes unresolved issues to bed and wakes up with them in the morning. Hence the habit of thinking negatively — the brain is constantly searching for what might go wrong.
Where the tension comes from
Tension doesn’t appear out of nowhere. Any unresolved task drains your resources until you close it. Codependent people, Viacheslav believes, have accumulated a great many such unresolved inner conflicts, and they stretch back to childhood. They piled up on top of each other, no one ever dealt with them, and they left wounds — some a person is aware of, some not, but the tension is felt all the time.
He compares this to a war inside: “combat” is going on, everything around is being destroyed, and the person patches up the wounds and tells themselves this is how it should be. An important point: these conflicts have nothing to do with the child who has an addiction — he only sets off a mechanism that has existed for a long time.
Control and rescuing as a “painkiller”
To protect a person from their old wounds, the brain builds a “safety net” — controlling behavior and rescuing. The family member tells themselves they control because they want to help. In reality, control works as a lever they use to quiet their own anxiety. The loved one is sent to a rehab center — two days of calm, and on the third day the anxiety rises again, because its source hasn’t gone anywhere.
Viacheslav draws a direct parallel with using: you call, hear his voice — and you feel relief. An hour later you need it again. He doesn’t answer — calls on repeat, searching in the middle of the night, family fights. The same goes for calling the rehab center an hour after he arrives, paying off his debts again even though it was going to be “never again,” and looking for someone new to rescue when the person with addiction is out of reach. He says something uncomfortable: if control has become a way to calm down, then on an unconscious level it may not “suit” the family for things to get better. And he adds that this isn’t about blame — family members simply didn’t understand what they were doing, and there’s no need to pile guilt on themselves: guilt only sets off the same mechanism again.
Participants’ experience: a view from the inside
A participant who went through addiction treatment herself joins the conversation. She says anxiety has been with her since early childhood: home was always tense, and she worried about any new event for months in advance. Control gave her only an illusion of calm for a couple of hours, and later substances took its place. Her anxiety and her mother’s anxiety fed each other, and what helped her break out of that cycle was treatment, work on herself and separation. The anxiety hasn’t disappeared, but now she has tools, and she is learning to hold a pause rather than “discharge” the anxiety right away.
A participant who is going through the program at the center also recalls constant tension in childhood and that he started using very early to drown it out. Today he notices how his thoughts go in circles and create anxiety out of nothing, and how the urge to control others switches on in him. When he feels himself getting worked up, he simply steps out and tells himself to stop. Viacheslav stresses that many family members may recognize themselves in these stories.
How to break the cycle
The goal is not to relieve anxiety with the usual control, but to understand what actually sets it off. The first step is a pause at the moment anxiety rises: stop, breathe out and don’t wind yourself up. Then come honest questions: what is happening, what am I afraid of, what am I feeling, what do I want to do right now, and am I simply trying to get rid of the anxiety? Acting immediately, without a pause, is not a choice but an old automatic script.
At the same time, new actions make anxiety stronger at first: the old way of calming down has been taken away, and a new one hasn’t formed yet — just like a person with addiction who has stopped using. The brain starts persuading you to go back to the old ways, and many people do, only slightly changing the form. Habits can be rebuilt only by practicing new actions. That is why Viacheslav again talks about separation: as long as the family member and the person with addiction “infect” each other with anxiety, it is hard for either of them to stay afloat.
Why calm is frightening
For someone who has lived in tension for years, a lull feels unfamiliar. The loved one has gone to treatment, it’s finally quiet — and the brain starts looking for what’s wrong, for something to latch onto, for the “storm” that needs to be brought under control. Hence new calls and searching for problems.
Viacheslav calls this living in an imagined world: the person’s phone battery simply died, and the family member has already spent two days calling hospitals. Fear fills in pictures that don’t exist, and a person lives inside them for years. It is possible to get out, but that requires admitting it and wanting to change. At the end, one of the mothers asks how to live alongside her adult son, who has come home and started using again. Viacheslav’s answer is direct: without change, a person moves along the old pattern, expecting anything else would be an illusion, and the mother herself now needs support — groups and her own work.
The summary is based on the recording and retells the main ideas in our own words. The video reflects the author's personal experience and views; it is not medical advice. Viacheslav Sviadish is an addiction recovery specialist, not a doctor.
Frequently asked questions
Why doesn’t the anxiety go away even when my loved one is in treatment?
Because its source is not only the person with addiction. As Viacheslav sees it, codependent people carry many old, unresolved inner conflicts, and anxiety finds a new target as soon as the old one is removed. That is why the family member’s own work matters, not only the loved one’s treatment.
Why is it so hard to stop controlling the person with addiction?
Control brings short-term relief, and the brain locks in the pattern “anxiety — action — relief.” It’s similar to using: the relief passes quickly, and you feel the pull to repeat it. A pause, awareness and practicing new actions help break the cycle — ideally with the support of a specialist or a group.
Why do things only get worse when I try to act differently?
New actions make anxiety stronger at first: the familiar way of calming down is gone, and a new one hasn’t formed yet. This is a normal part of change. What matters is not to go straight back to the old ways and to lean on support — groups or a consultation with a specialist.
What should I do at the moment anxiety hits?
Viacheslav advises first stopping and taking a pause, and then honestly asking yourself: what is happening, what am I afraid of, what am I feeling and what do I want to do right now. If the anxiety is strong and gets in the way of your life, consult a specialist.
Recognise your situation?
The first consultation is free. Tell us what is happening and we will work out where to start in your case.
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