How Parents Can Help a Person with Addiction Decide on Treatment: Guilt, Control and Separation

Why knowledge doesn’t help in a crisis

Many parents go to groups, psychologists and therapists for years. But in a moment of crisis — when the person with addiction “drags you onto his turf” — all that knowledge vanishes, and the person acts just as before. Viacheslav sets out to understand why this happens, and he starts with guilt.

Guilt and how it gets used

In the experience of Viacheslav and his colleagues, many parents had chronic guilt long before their child developed an addiction: they feel guilty in almost any situation. Together with anxiety and a sense of being unsafe, this feeling is passed on to children — most often unconsciously. The child absorbs it and later knows perfectly well “which button to press.”

A typical example: “Mom, give me money for a business” — followed by: “it’s your fault: I grew up without a father, I didn’t get the job, I have a bad relationship with my sister.” The parent senses they are making a mistake but gives the money to quiet the guilt. The money goes to using, and the “addicted — codependent” cycle grows stronger: the child is once again cast as the little one who decides nothing and is responsible for nothing.

Control as a way to be needed

Viacheslav suggests taking an honest look at the hidden payoff. Behind control there is often low self-esteem and a need to matter: “I’m needed, he depends on me, without me he’ll be lost.” Control creates the illusion that everything is fine and that the situation is being held together.

When such a parent is “taken off the stage,” emptiness sets in: “nobody needs me, it was all for nothing.” And then control looks for workarounds — through friends, through the son’s girlfriend, through acquaintances. “A drug user needs drugs, an alcoholic needs alcohol, a gambler needs gambling — and a codependent person needs control.”

What separation is

Separation doesn’t mean abandoning your children. It means understanding what is preventing them — and you — from living normally, and stepping back: stopping living their life and filling your own. An adult is independent, and you cannot control whether he relapses or not.

Viacheslav tells the story of a woman from the group who constantly controlled her son. Within a year she started traveling, hiking in the mountains and taking care of herself — and was able to separate. He also offers a metaphor: after rehab a person comes out with a small seedling that he has to transplant and grow himself. There’s no point coming over to teach him how to water it — especially if your own plant once failed to survive.

What you can do after rehab

Minimal but normal contact — for example, once a week: “Hi, how are you?” If help is needed — an agreement: for example, paying for housing for three months, and if during that time the person hasn’t started working, the responsibility passes to him. Give him time — several years — to learn to live, manage money and handle his own affairs.

Sending someone to rehab is the smallest part. The task is not to “hand over” your child and quiet your guilt, but to give him the chance to recover — after the program as well.

How this helps a child decide on treatment

The most common question: “My son hasn’t been to rehab yet — how do I lead him toward treatment?” Viacheslav’s answer: you need to take a set of actions that break down the destructive relationship with your child. That is exactly what pushes him toward change and creates an environment in which treatment becomes possible. Without it, even if you send him to rehab, he most likely won’t recover.

In his experience, if parents change their behavior and follow the plan, most children who are emotionally tied to the family and depend on it eventually agree to treatment. Parents are key figures in their children’s recovery.